I've never done this before!

I have been writing in my journal for years now. Not daily, usually, but when thoughts seem overwhelming or quite often lately because I want to get my fears on paper and out of my head. I don’t necessarily like to take the time to put pen to paper, but I do find it to be therapeutic. Occasionally, I will share my writing with one of my grown children or a trusted friend, but mostly I just use it to help make sense of the thoughts that swirl and cycle and tangle up in my head. Since I was diagnosed with cancer in June of 2017, I have done quite a bit of writing on my fears and my belief in my Higher Power. I have discovered some really beautiful things about my Great Spirit and myself. I’ve been thinking about writing it out more formally so that I could share, but besides my family and some friends, who would I share it with? And if I did share it, would someone to take me away and lock me up? But I listen to other people, and I am not so crazy as my head would have me believe sometimes. I prayed about it, but not too much. When the recurrent/metastasized diagnosis was given in May, 2018, I didn’t want to share ANYTHING with anyone because my body seemed to be absolutely flooded with negative thoughts and fear I could not control. I felt as if the doctor had handed me a death sentence with zero hope. I was given a prognosis that paralyzed me. I was so powerless. And even more hopeless. I laid in bed that night feeling so hopeless. I prayed to the beautiful and all-powerful God of my understanding, “God, I don’t know how I am supposed to fight this without hope, and I have no hope. Please give me some hope.” I woke up the next morning and I could feel, actually FEEL a physical presence of hope within me. I know it wasn’t me conjuring up anything positive. I knew it had to be God.

I was telling a lifelong friend that I was starting a blog, and before he could say, “Oh cool. I think that is a great idea (or something to that effect),” my head was yelling, “No! Don’t tell him! He’ll know you’re an idiot! You have nothing valid to say; nothing to offer anyone.” A few years ago, I learned that I don’t control my thoughts; thoughts come into my head that I am shocked to have going through my noggin. I do not believe everything I think., difficult as that is sometimes.

I don’t think I have some wonderful gift of being a talented writer. And I write well enough that I can relay a message. I was given a second chance at life, and I would be a fool to not take advantage of this opportunity. I have hope where there was none. My prognosis is not positive, AND it is just words. No one gets to tell me how long I get to live. That is not a human decision. I want to share my wonder and crazy and faith and rebelliousness and trials and successes and and and…. I have never done this before, so please bear with me as I try something new and exciting. Oh! and really scary! What kind of crazy person puts their bleep out there online for all to see? I am going to try it!